FPGA Central

If I Were the Evil Overlord...

I will try to maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and
weaknesses, even though this takes some of the fun out of the job. I
will never say, "I am invincible", because no one ever is.

I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to
prove it by leaving clues to my Master Plan in the form of riddles for
my enemies to find.

I will see a competent psychiatrist and be cured of all unusual phobias
or bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be disadvantageous.

I will always dress in bright, cheery colors... Mostly soft pastels.
Wearing nothing but black is too depressing, while wearing all white is
too boring.

I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable
super-weapon, I will use it as often as possible instead of holding it
in reserve.

I will make it quite clear that I do know the meaning of the word
"mercy"... I just choose not to show any.

I will only employ assassins and bounty hunters that work for "the
money". Those who work for "the thrill of the hunt" tend to do stupid
things, like even the odds to give their victim a sporting chance.

I will maintain plausible deniability at all times.

I will not indulge in the practice of maniacal laughter, despite the
proven stress-relieving effects of such behavior. When so occupied, it
is too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more alert and
attentive individual would notice.

I will not grow a goatee. Yes, it is true that in the old days they
made you look sinister. Unfortunately, these days they only make you
look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news
just to demonstrate how evil I am. Loyal service should be rewarded...
Which is how it becomes "loyal" service in the first place. And
besides, honest messengers are hard to come by when you are in the Evil
Overlord business.

I will never utter the sentence "Before I kill you, you should know..."

I will never turn into a giant snake, no matter how much I might want
to, because it never helps.

The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
mountain of despair beyond the river of fire guarded by the dragons of
eternity. It will be locked up in my safe-deposit box. The same can be
said for the artifact that is my one vulnerability.

When my troops invade an unsuspecting country, I will direct the attack
from the safety of my stronghold. If I absolutely must ride into battle
myself, I will certainly not do so at the forefront of my army. Nor
will I attempt to seek out my opposite number among his army for
personal combat.

I will not require ranking female members of my staff to wear a
stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress code.

I will occasionally listen to and follow my advisor's advice.

If my advisors ask, "Why are you risking everything on this mad scheme?"
I will not proceed until I have an answer that satisfies them.

One of my chief advisors will be an average, every-day eight-year-old
child. Any flaws in my Master Plan that he is able to spot will be
corrected long before I put that plan into action.

If I am considering using a new code, I will instruct my eight-year old
advisor to try to break it. If he can, the code will not be used.
Note: the same policy applies to passwords.

If my Trusted Lieutenant tells me that my Legions of Terror are losing a
battle, I will believe him. After all, he is my Trusted Lieutenant.

I will not order my Trusted Lieutenant to kill the infant who is
destined to overthrow me... I will do it myself. With my bare hands.

I will make sure that there is a clear understanding of who is
responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general
screws up, I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is
the price of failure!", then suddenly turn and kill a random underling.

If any of my advisors ever says to me "My lord, he is but one man, and
what can one man possibly do?" I will reply "This.", and then shoot him.

My noble half-brother, whose throne I usurped to come into power, will
not be secretly kept imprisoned anonymously in a cell in my dungeon. He
will be killed as soon as my coronation is over.

I will not have a son. Although his eventual and surely laughable plan
to overthrow me will fail, it could provide a fatal distraction at a
crucial moment.

I will not have a daughter. Although she would certainly be as evil as
she is beautiful, once she sees the hero's rugged good looks, she will
no doubt betray me to him.

Before putting my Master Plan into action, I will hire a board-certified
team of architects and surveyors to examine my headquarters closely and
inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not
know about. This team will then be paid ludicrous amounts of money and
relocated to the Caribbean Island of their choice, where they will live
out their lives in luxury.

My stronghold will have ventilation ducts that are too small to crawl
through.

My main computer will use a custom operating system incompatible with
all of the more common PowerBook and laptop computer models commercially
available today.

The entrance to my stronghold will have doors that are normal sized.
While twenty-foot tall doors do impress the masses, they are difficult
to close quickly in an emergency.

I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural
supports that intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

In my headquarters, incinerators, not compactors will dispose of bulk
trash, and they will be kept hot, with none of this nonsense about
flames shooting through accessible tunnels at intervals.

My stronghold won't have a self-destruct device unless it is absolutely
necessary. If a self-destruct device turns out to be necessary, a big
red button marked "Danger! Do not push!" will not activate it. The big
red button marked "Danger! Do not push!" will instead trigger a spray
of bullets onto anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, no
on/off switches in my control room will be labeled as such.

If my stronghold is attacked, I will immediately use my prepared escape
pod to escape to my auxiliary HQ, from which I will direct the defense
of my primary headquarters. I will not wait until my enemies are
breaking down the doors of my inner sanctum before attempting to leave.

If I am forced to make my escape, I will not pose dramatically and toss
off a one-liner before leaving.

I will not employ devious schemes that involve the band of heroes
actually making it into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.

Shooting is not "too good" for my enemies.

No matter how tempted I am by the prospect of unlimited power, I will
not consume any energy field that is larger than my head.

All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly
thieves in the land will be preemptively executed; all annoying and/or
humorously clever robots and androids will be destroyed; and it shall be
declared a capital crime to be the "town drunk". The hero will
certainly give up and abandon his quest if he has no handy source of
comic relief.

All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly,
world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement
and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

I will not waste time trying to make my enemies' deaths look like
accidents. After all, I am not accountable to anyone, and my other
enemies wouldn't believe it was an accident anyway.

All slain enemies will be cremated as soon as possible. They will not
be left for dead in a hidden area. An announcement of their demise,
plus the attendant public celebration, will be deferred until after the
urn full of ashes has been placed into my hands.

All younger siblings, spouses, children, students, and old army buddies
of an enemy I have just killed will be hunted down to prevent them from
attacking me at some future point in a quest for vengeance.

When I capture the hero, I will also make sure to capture his pet
ferret, dog, monkey, or whatever other sickeningly cute pet animal that
is capable of untying ropes, fetching keys, etc that happens to be
following him around.

I will not interrogate my enemies in my inner sanctum. A small hotel
room located well outside the borders of my kingdom works just as well
and has the benefits of privacy and intimacy. After the interrogation,
I will shoot them.

I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament to show my superiority. I
will shoot them.

If one of my enemies says, "Look, before you kill us, will you at least
tell us what this is all about?" I will say "No." And then I will shoot
them.

When the rebel leader challenges me to a one-on-one fight, and asks "Or
are you afraid to face me without your goons to back you up?" My reply
will be "No, I’m not afraid... Just sensible." And then I will shoot him.

My enemies are not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or a last
anything. They are entitled to get shot.

Any enemies that survive being shot are entitled to be shot again.

If my enemies are important to my scheme and thus cannot be shot
immediately, I will not keep them together in the same cellblock, much
less the same cell. The only keys to their cells will be kept on my
person at all times; copies of them will not be handed out to every
guard in my headquarters. And they will be shot as soon as it is
feasible to do so.

When I capture the fair maiden, I will not kill her. This is not a
matter of morality -- if I gave a fig about that, I wouldn't run around
kidnapping women in the first place. However, if I do kill the fair
maiden, I have the problem of disposing of the body and I no longer have
the leverage provided by the threat of killing her. If the fair maiden
presents a problem in terms of being a witness, I will solve that
problem by blindfolding her or making her wear a hood. Simply because I
am evil does not mean I am wasteful, and it's wasteful to kill perfectly
good fair maidens. After all, I might have some use for her at some point.

When I have the fair maiden nicely tied up and am ready for a good
gloat, I will not lean down and stare into her space from a distance of
inches. She will just spit on me. If I absolutely have to do some
close, face-to-face gloating, I'll make sure she's gagged first.

When given a choice as to which fair maiden of two or more to capture, I
will always choose the more attractive ones. This would seem to be
obvious, but it's surprising how often minions miss this point.

The Fair Maiden will never be left unsecured in rooms full of bolt
cutters, gasoline cans, knives, scissors, lock picks, band saws,
electric drills, submachine guns, hand grenades, flame throwers and the
like under the assumption that simply because she is unable to leave the
room, she is helpless. The fair maiden will always be gagged, bound
hand and foot, and either secured to some very stable object well away
from all other objects in the room, or even better, hogtied. Evil
minions who leave the fair maiden alone and unsecured will be left alone
and unsecured in a room full of angry bears.

I will force the fair maiden to marry me in a quiet civil ceremony
rather than a lavish spectacle put together with three weeks warning...
And the final phase of my Master Plan will not be carried out during
my wedding. If she says "I’ll die before I marry you!" I'll shoot her.
There are, after all, hordes of beautiful young women out there just
waiting to marry someone as rich and powerful as I am.

My doomsday device will not employ a large red digital countdown device
unless it is absolutely necessary. If a countdown device proves to be
necessary, the doomsday device will be set to activate when the counter
reaches 00:10:00, rather than 00:00:00.

My doomsday devices will always be designed and built in pairs. And
both of them will be activated simultaneously. For that matter, any
important device will be designed and built in pairs.

My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear, space-age-plastic
faceplates that allow the troopers to see clearly, and allow others to
identify the trooper by sight with ease.

My Legions of Terror will have uniforms designed by a talented fashion
designer, and will not be a cheap knockoff of the Nazi SS uniform, the
roman foot-soldier uniform, or the clothing of the savage Mongol horde.
All such groups were eventually defeated, and I want my troopers to
have a more positive outlook about themselves.

My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic rifle marksmanship. Any
who cannot hit a man-sized target at ten meters will be used for target
practice.

My undercover agents will not be required to wear jackboots, or to
adhere to any other form of a dress code. Neither will they have
tattoos which identify their allegiance to me.

My Legions of Terror will be trained to dogpile hand-to-hand opponents,
rather than attacking them in ones and twos while the rest stand around
waiting their turn.

If I learn about the whereabouts of the one object capable of destroying
me, I will not send my Legions of Terror out to seize it. Rather, I
will send my Legions of Terror out to seize something else, and then
quietly and anonymously place a want ad in the local paper.

While deformed mutants and oddball psychotics will certainly have their
place in my Legions of Terror, I will not send them out on missions that
require tact or subtlety.

I will never design and build a sentient computer that is smarter than I am.

If I suffer from a fit of temporary insanity and offer the hero a job as
my Trusted Lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to make the offer
while my Trusted Lieutenant is more than 100 miles away. There is
nothing more dangerous than a Trusted Lieutenant who is righteously
pissed off at you.

I will not use any Master Plan for which the final step is horribly
complicated (for example, "align the 12 stones of power on the sacred
altar and activate the medallion during a total eclipse"). Instead, I
will use plans that have a final step along the lines of "push the button".

I will never attend an auction of an "ultimate weapon". If the weapon
were really that good, the auctioneer would already be Evil Overlord.

Any ultimate weapon that was disassembled in the distant past and the
components of which were scattered to the far parts of the world could
not have been that great in the first place, or no one would have
disassembled it.

Instead of going to all the trouble of stealing a 200 megaton nuclear
device and ransoming a city to get the billions of dollars needed to
enact my Master Plan, I’ll simply start an evangelical Tele-ministry.
That way, I not only will get the money, I’ll get a fanatical cult of
followers that will obey my every command, should I ever need such a thing.

My headquarters will have a heavily guarded room located at the bottom
of a 100 story subterranean shaft behind a door marked "command center".
This room will have a sophisticated computer the size of a city bus.
This computer will contain a carefully encrypted but totally false
version of my Master Plan, have no external links, and no real purpose.
My actual "command center" will be a satellite-linked laptop on a card
table with a folding chair at the top of the elevator shaft, behind a
door marked "standpipe valves", accessible through the unlocked
janitor's closet.

If at all possible, no exhaust ports will lead directly to the heart of
the main reactor. If this proves unavoidable, all such exhaust ports
will have closeable, reinforced blast doors at every other level, and
there will be alternate routes of venting in case of emergency.

I will never enter into an alliance with a being or group I cannot
easily betray. And I will always assume that my new "allies" are
holding to the same principle.

When the time comes to unite the world's diverse underworld elements
into one massive criminal organization, the meeting with my underbosses
will not feature the elimination of the vociferous objectors and the
intimidation of the rest. Rather, it will feature the deputization of
the most powerful that I can control easily and the elimination of the rest.

If my objective is world domination, I will not be tempted by
tantalizing opportunities to achieve absolute power, as these inevitably
backfire. However, if my objective is absolute power, I will consider
settling for mere world domination.

Another of my closest advisors will be a prolific hack novelist. If any
part of my Master Plan begins to resemble any of his work, it will be
disregarded.

If a messenger interrupts me during a meeting, a bath, or a romantic
encounter, I will assume he has a real and important reason for doing
so. He will only be executed if he interrupted me for no reason.

Total commitment is essential. If I discover that I have not truly and
completely gone over to the Dark Side, I will immediately cease all
world-domination efforts until that last morsel of goodness is expunged.

I will exploit my subjects, but not to the point of destitution,
decrepitude, or desperation. I am evil, not stupid.

If I decide to hold the double execution of the hero and an underling
who betrayed me, the hero will be scheduled to go first.

If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor
their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will
ignore them. However, if circumstances have forced them together
against their will and they spend all of their time bickering and
criticizing each other except for intermittent moments of ***ual
tension, I will order their immediate arrest and execution.

No matter how much I desire vengeance, I will never issue the order,
"Leave him! He's mine!"

Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic
math skills, I will design all of my personal sidearms to fire one more
bullet than is standard.

If I come into possession of an artifact that can be used only by the
pure-of-heart, I will not, repeat will not attempt to use it nonetheless.

If I find that my beautiful consort has been secretly associating with
the hero, I will have her executed. This is regrettable, but maybe the
next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.

If I have children and then grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old
granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I
will first ask him to explain why it is that her beloved Grandpa has to
die. When the hero launches into a long-winded, way-over-her-head
dissertation on morality, that will be her cue to pull the lever that
sends the hero into the pit of crocodiles. (Children love crocodiles
almost as much as they love their grandparents, and it’s always
important to spend quality time with children.)

If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly
defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, proclaim a national
holiday to celebrate the wedding, and name the hero my heir. This
should be enough to break up their relationship. If not, at least I can
be assured that the hero won't attack me while I am holding a parade in
his honor.

I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted,
and completely trusted. Promotion to the last category is only done
posthumously.

I will fund research to develop tactical and strategic weapons of all
types and covering a full range of needs so my options aren't limited to
"hand-to-hand combat with swords" or "blow up the planet".

When it is prophesized that "no man will defeat me", I will keep in mind
the growing presence and influence of non-traditional gender roles in
the world today.

I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position will be
reserved for my Trusted Lieutenant.

My Legions of Terror will be trained so that if they burst into rebel
headquarters and find it empty except for a strange, blinking device,
they will not approach it to investigate. Rather they will run like hell.

If I have massive computer systems, I will take as least as many
precautions as a small business and include such things as virus-scans,
firewalls, and other common security measures.

I will not procrastinate regarding any ritual or process that grants
immortality.

I will not devise any scheme in which Part A is tricking the hero into
helping me and Part B is publicly laughing at his gullibility and then
leaving him to his own devices.

I will not hold lavish feasts in the middle of a famine. The good PR
garnered from the guests does not make up for the bad PR garnered from
the masses.

If my mad scientist tells me that my super weapon is almost finished,
but requires more testing, I will wait for him to complete the testing.
No one ever conquered the world by using a beta-version.

I will remember that knowledge of any vulnerabilities I have is to be
released only on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one
has a need to know.

All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any
"repairmen" who show up at the door will be escorted to the dungeon.

If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot. He will not be
kept prisoner inside the very dungeon he designed.

My force field generators will be located inside the force field they
generate.

If I have several diabolical schemes to destroy the hero, I will launch
them all at once rather than singly, thereby saving myself the
aggravation of watching them fail in succession.

My pet monster's cage will be cleaned regularly and kept free of rocks,
sticks, bones, or any other debris condemned prisoners might use as
weapons to slay it when I drop them through the secret trap door.

If my evil sorceress consort fails to destroy the hero for a third
consecutive time with her so-called magic, I will reassign her to
running the 1-800-PSYCHIC hotline, I will also try to keep a straight
face when ever she threatens to turn me into a toad.

If for some reason I enslave an entire race of people, I will not put
them to work at tasks modern machinery can do more efficiently.

No part of my fortress will feature giant, free-standing stone statues
or obelisks. While the sight of them would indeed be awe inspiring, it
would be far too easy for a hero with superhuman strength or a well
placed explosive charge to knock one over on top of me and/or my
soldiers. Optionally, if I must have giant statues made out of myself,
they will be made of Styrofoam and helium. This way, when the explosive
charge does go off, there will be a short, morale boosting moment as I
get to do the Evil Overlord Chipmunk command to slay my enemies.

The interior decor of my fortress will not feature pointy objects I
could be impaled upon if I'm knocked off balance and stumble backwards
during a fight.

All my public speaking engagements will be handled by a hologram. If I
ever go out in public myself, I will always be in disguise.

I will not resort to android duplicates to safeguard myself from capture
by my enemies because:

*

What I can construct others can emulate. If my minions are
familiar with the use of androids they may make the mistake of letting
the wrong one past their guard.
*

My enemies can capture and reprogram one for the same effect.
*

Any android can at any time decide that humans are inferior and
commence extermination. Handing a killer android an already-assembled
international conspiracy is considered "bad form".

Likewise, I will not use cloned duplicates to safeguard myself from
capture by my enemies because they have desires and needs like other
people and may sell me out, or worse attempt to murder and replace me.

Regardless of the extra revenue and good PR they might generate, I will
not allow public tours of my fortress or any other important facility I own.

Efforts spent breaking a heroine's spirit allow time for things such as
heroic rescues or are uncertain enough to allow last minute betrayals.
Rather, I'll have my staff take several high-quality photographs of her,
hire a good plastic surgeon and the ugliest girl in my kingdom, make one
to look just like her, but not until after I've pumped two rounds of .45
hardball into the heroine's head, then fed her to my pet crocodiles.

Anyone making any kind of deliveries to my fortress will be required to
show proper identification and submit their conveyance to an inspection
before they can pass through the gate. Same applies when they leave.

I will not refuse to compromise with my enemies if the result will be of
benefit to me in the long run.

I will make every effort to either suborn my foes or kill them.
Humiliating them and enraging them through acts of depravity motivated
solely to upset them will only rebound negatively against my long term
interests.

If I've captured the beautiful princess and forced her to wear a skimpy
slave costume and chain around her neck, I will take precautions to
ensure she will not be able to strangle me with it.

Any new concubines I plan to add to my harem will go through a complete
screening process, including tests for STDs.

All guards (and other workers) will be entitled to three weeks paid
vacation a year after one full year's employment, will be covered (after
that same period) by comprehensive medical and dental insurance (paid by
me, the Evil Overlord) for themselves and spouse/companion and all
dependents. They will have regularly scheduled pay-raises for every
five years with which they remain in my employ as well as annual,
merit-based bonuses. Stock options and retirement plans will be made
available after five years of employment along with favorably termed
loans for home improvement, education and debt consolidation. Any
employee disabled in my service will receive a lifetime pension. Every
year, my organization will make a few sizable college scholarships
available for the most qualified of the dependents of my employees.
Upon leaving my employ they will be constrained from working for any
competitor or adversary for a period of not less than five years. All
dismissals (as opposed to termination on their part) will be accompanied
by a payment of one month's salary as termination pay and an excellent
recommendation (regardless of cause for dismissal). Good will is more
valuable than terror on the part of my employees.

If the hero and his party mount a surprise raid on my fortress, and
there's no time to reach my secret escape pod, I will disguise myself as
one of my bottom-rung, non-combat employees. (No real hero would shoot
a poor, defenseless janitor, now would he?)

The members of my secret police will have broad-ranging authority to do
their jobs. However, I reserve the right to terminate any who use their
power for what I deem to be "non-constructive purposes" (like petty
revenge).

I will regularly spend some of my free time with my staff of personal
trainers so I'll be in good fighting shape just in case I absolutely
must battle the hero one on one.

The moat around my fortress will be teeming with sharks with lasers on
their heads (every creature deserves a warm meal). And no, I will not
settle for sea bass, no matter how bad-tempered they are. ALL I ASK FOR
IS SOME SHARKS WITH FRICKING LASERS ON THEIR HEADS!!!!

When I have completely conquered and subjugated the entire world, I will
not immediately branch out into other worlds/dimensions. I'll wait a
few generations so that my subjects will only know life under my
benevolent reign, thus providing little help to any renegades from the
new worlds.

I will carefully read and reread Machiavelli's The Prince, Sun Tzu's The
Art of War, and Dr. Phillip C. McGraw's Self Matters before I set out on
my quest to conquer the universe.

If I find one of my kept women alone in my office or bedchamber and she
is suddenly startled when I enter the room, I will immediately cut off
her only escape and summon the guards. I will then order them to do a
complete strip search and body cavity check on her. After that I will
have them search the entire room top to bottom. If these searches turn
up any items she tried to filch from or plant in the room, she will be
executed on the spot.

My fortress will be designed with blast doors that authorized personnel
can open and close quickly and easily whenever they need to.

All my secret escape pods will come with leather interior, dual climate
zone comfort system, AM/FM stereo with 5 disk CD changer, emergency
small arms cache, first aid kit, and a pair of fuzzy dice hanging from
the rear view mirror.

I will not hire one of the hero's old flames to infiltrate the
rebellion. Even though she'll likely be accepted without question,
she'll no doubt double cross me after the first chance she gets to
reminisce about the "good ol' days."

If I ever spend 30 years in cryogenic stasis, upon awakening I will
defer any evil scheming until my Trusted Lieutenant can bring me up to
speed on current events.

If I discover that the hero is the offspring of my Trusted Lieutenant, I
will never allow the Trusted Lieutenant to try to turn the Hero to my
service. The hero will just turn my Lieutenant against me, and a good
second-in-command is hard to come by. Rather, I'll just accept the
cost of training a new second-in-command and kill the Trusted
Lieutenant. He's just trying to turn the hero to his side so he can
overthrow me anyway. But if I temporarily lose my mind and allow my
Trusted Lieutenant to try and turn the hero to my service, I will order
the Trusted Lieutenant out of the room while I confront the hero. That
way, I won't have to worry about the Trusted Lieutenant's pesky parental
instinct when I kill the hero.

Once my power is secure, I will destroy any pesky time machines that
might be at hand.

If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the
maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the
Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual
main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who
watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for
fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence
will trigger the alarm system.

No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be
instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a
full-scale emergency.

I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is
only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is
good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better
save my life again.

All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be
delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in
foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of
the wild.

When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel
in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them
disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately
initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering
around a corner.

If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty to see if he/she should be
made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen
standing by in case the answer is no.

If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and
begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of
using my unstoppable super weapon on them.

I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest,
even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my
five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not
label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle
with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not
engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over
a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed
him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops
flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find
out what he saw.

I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of
the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have
to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of
us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I
will not construct walkways above them.

If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them
for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is
facing away from the door.

My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with
bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells
the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead
of opening up the cell for a look.

My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel
on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the
inside opens the door, not vice versa.

My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain
reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.

Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45MB in size.

If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with
the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives
set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.

I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in
his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy
henchmen instead.

The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may
direct fire inward or at each other.

Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or
other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if
there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra budget.

The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with
fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost,
but my security patrols will be more effective.

I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to
look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the
prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the
chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the
lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a
souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no
threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.

My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to
the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot
of prisoners know Morse code.

Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows
or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling.

I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my
folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes
the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.

I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are
captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up
while I decide his fate.

I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where
it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rappelling down from
above.

I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That way
if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out, take
a nap, and come back refreshed and alert to finish out his shift.

I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from
swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out
when someone has entered in this fashion.

I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any
wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be
set on fire.

I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls.
Any event open to members of the public will be held down the road in
the festival pavilion.

During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie
around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be
required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor.

I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use
them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them.

I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a
faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely
desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.

I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempts to
strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even
be considered for the job.

Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For
example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and
flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the
climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my
reaction will be "Hmm... I think I need a shave."

I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little
too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not
at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent
fools?!"

I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the
front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes
little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.

If my Ultimate Incantation or Supreme Summoning leaves me weak and
vulnerable from the expenditure of energy, I will only undertake it deep
in the center of my fortress, and get plenty of sleep before applying
the results.

If my superweapon can be controlled by computers or other
electronic/electrical means, then there is no need for there to be only
one set of controls right next to the main power source. A fake set,
directly connected to a multi-amp circuit, will occupy this location.

No Ultimate Incantation that requires sacrifice of a Virgin is worth the
trouble of a) securing such a rarity and b) relying on a quality that is
so easily cured by an amorous Hero or Heroine in less than a minute of
stolen time.

While it may be tempting to use an Ultmate Weapon or Spell with a rare,
almost impossible to exploit, Tiny Flaw to accomplish my goals, if many
Penultimate Weapons or Spells with no such flaw can achieve the same
effect, I will employ them instead.

My Secret Police will be instructed to concentrate on Genuine Threats To
My Reign. They do not need to waste time and resources
investigating/persecuting every last disgruntled peasant, unless it's a
slow day and there's really nothing else for them to do.

Instead of killing, imprisoning, or brain wiping the witnesses to my
mistakes, I will instead apply equivalent, if not greater effort toward
avoiding mistakes.

In the event of failure, I will consider the possibility that my enemies
are proficient and intelligent before assuming incompetence or betrayal
on the part of my advisors.

If there is any doubt about whether or not my enemies know something, I
will act on the assumption that they do know. Unless it is important to
my plans that they know, in which case I will make sure the information
is leaked to them from an unimpeachable source.

I will not send out battalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons
against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.

If there is any body of water in my realm that is home to a race of
clumsy, Rastafarian-like amphibians, it will immediately be drained and
filled in with concrete.

My dungeon cells will have solid physical doors in addition to force
fields so that every power failure doesn't become a jailbreak.

New recruits for my Legend of Terror and/or secret police will undergo
careful screening - including background checks, psychological
evaluations, IQ and aptitude testing, drug and alcohol screening, and
full physicals - before they begin training/service.

I will learn from the likes of Enron for how to steal ungodly amounts of
money, instead of resorting to ransoming the planet with my latest
doomsday device (which I never get to use, anyway).

If a person carrying an odd colored sword walks into my kingdom, I will
take a vacation elsewhere until that sword is out of my kingdom and not
make any friendly or unfriendly overtures to the sword wielder. If the
sword is black, I'm heading for another dimension and never returning.

My Legions of Terror will have a competent Internal Affairs department
to make sure, among other things, that none of my henchpersons are old
childhood friends or former lovers of the Hero.

Any documentation that I must keep regarding my latest plan for global
domination/ultimate weapon/etc. will be kept in a folder labeled
something uninteresting, such as "Sewage System Maintenance Logs". I
will, however, leave on my desk a folder with a catchy, upbeat label
like "Operation: Annihilate". In the folder will be a single diskette,
labeled only with a skull-and-crossbones. On the diskette will be the
nastiest viruses, Trojan horse programs, and computer worms that I
and/or my henchmen can devise. My base's computers will of course be
protected against anything on this diskette, and inserting the diskette
into a computer on my base will trigger the death rays.

I will have no nubile female assistants. All my assistants will be
former members of the East German swim team.

I will endeavor to treat the ancient, sylvan forests surrounding my keep
in a kindly, eco-friendly manner. By no means will I rip up every tree
within five miles of my castle in order to provide raw materials for my
orc breeding program.

There is a reason why the spell book of the last Evil Overlord is
available to me. If I came into possession of it through any means that
involved defeat of its power, I will use it as a doorstop only.

If I come into possession of, or manage to assemble the Ultimate Weapon,
I will immediately use it at full power in direct pursuit of my goal of
world domination. No warning shots across the bow, No "This is only a
fraction of my weapon's potential!" grandstanding. I will also refrain
from using the Ultimate Weapon for simply offing the Hero. If it's
really the Ultimate Weapon, the Hero's efforts will come to naught anyway.

I will not use area-effect, mind-altering spells as a long term solution
to civil unrest. a) They wear off, or eventually the subjects gain or
breed immunity, and the population I made to love me will grow to hate
me. b) Outsiders not falling to the initial spell will quickly become
suspicious at my subjects' mindless happiness and obeisance, and try to
do something about it.

All my computer systems will have uninterruptable power supplies. All
my circuitry will use breakers or fuses of the appropriate tolerances.

It is never necessary to store explosive materials and/or fuel anywhere
near my central control or computer complex. If for some reason such a
situation should come about, they will not be in the same room as the
central computer. They will be in a concrete bunker protected by blast
doors and fire prevention systems. The same goes for the vats of toxic
waste, acids, and super-cold liquids.

Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof
deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging,
etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent"
death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring camera)
stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise.

All non-instantaneous deathtraps (drowning pools, trash compactors, gas
chambers, etc.) in my fortress will be isolated from the communications
and power grids.

I must assume that deathtrap manufacturers' brochures base their
Estimated Time to Kill (ETK) on tests using non-heroes (and moreover
generally test only the minimum ETK). Therefore, Heroes trapped in one
of my non-instantaneous deathtraps will remain there a minimum of
several times longer than the trap's ETK, and even then will be treated
as potentially dangerous until any remains are incinerated.

All deathtraps will have only one way in or out, with any way out
leading to an even more cunning deathtrap that works faster.

Any captured-and-released or escaped Hero will have numerous tracking
devices of several levels of detectability installed in his effects,
vehicles, and person, at least one of which will have been ingested with
his last food or drink. Even so, I will never fail to put up a serious
effort to track or intercept him by other means as well.

If my Evil Offspring is corrupted by the forces of Good, I will not try
to attempt to bring him back to the Dark Side. I will give him up as a
lost cause, eliminate him if he goes against me, and find a suitable
Evil protégé somewhere else.

If reputable prophecy dictates I will be defeated/killed by a certain
person or event, I will not waste time trying to eliminate him or
prevent it. I will enjoy my power for all its worth, as long as I can,
meanwhile devoting reasonable energies in a search for new prophecies
that will get me out of the first one.

I will always keep a few Useless but Loyal Advisors on the payroll and
in proximity to both help my enemies underestimate me and provide a few
extra bodies between the enemy and myself should my defenses be penetrated.

Mind-controlled or love-potioned subjects will be left enough free will
that they do not have to be specifically ordered to perform useful
actions such as enabling my escape, administering medical help, or
otherwise coming to my aid.

I will encourage general promiscuty, restrict access to birth control,
and provide the best in STD research/prevention and pre- and post-natal
care. The resultant population will be more satisfied and complacent,
and will fuel my war machines, production, dressmaking, and general fun.

After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband
my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon
is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each
other in the arena.

My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device
called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the
last second. (If I have access to really advanced technology, I will
include a back-up device known as a battery.)

If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then
encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway
just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I
will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)

As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children.
My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real
threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win
the hero.

When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on
foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.

Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity
Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous
to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and
destruction.

I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "Its power is
now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous
materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study.

If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his
former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all
alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I
will politely decline the offer.

I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather than
wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a
chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge
protectors".

I will never bait a trap with genuine bait.

Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully
read the owner's manual.

I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly
grounded.

Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily
spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw
him off track.

I will not employ robots as my Agents of Destruction if there is any
possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs
are externally mounted and easily removable.

If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small
Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side
of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard.
Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A
rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)

The passageways to and within my fortress will be well-lit with
fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost,
but my security patrols will be more effective.

I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my fortress.
His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me.

Upon finding out that my main opponent is a Japanese school girl, I will
immediately set up a stooge to take the fall and go into hiding. If
said girl has red hair, don't stop to pack.